Maternal Instincts
by Of Jumbled Thoughts
Summary: What if Amanda had had her baby after the incident in the courthouse? Continuation of 17x06, Maternal Instinct. (So spoilers if you haven't seen it.)
1. Chapter 1

"Mom," Amanda said, trying to get her mother's attention. "Mom, hey. You gotta talk to Kim. She's making a mistake."

She stared at her daughter incredulously. "She is? You're the one who had her arrested. And you used me to set up my own daughter. If you hadn't, she'd be safe, and sound, and out of town."

"If we hadn't found Kim, her pimp could've killed her," Amanda reasoned.

"What are you talking about? She handled that man just fine."

"No she didn't—"

"Kim," her mother interrupted, "Can take care of herself. This was about you."

"What are you taking about?"

"You chose your work over your family, just like you always have."

Amanda glanced away before saying, "Can we not do this now?"

"No, let's not do this at all," her mother said before turning and walking off.

"What do you mean? Huh?" Amanda asked.

"I'm sorry darling, I—I came up here to help you but it's quite clear you know what you're doing. I'd just be in the way."

"So what, you're—you're gonna leave?"

"I'll be back for you sister's trial, and maybe by then you will've finally learned the value of family."

Carisi, who had been standing to the side pretending he couldn't hear the painfully confrontational conversation between mother and daughter walked up and said, "She's leaving?"

"Yeah," Amanda said, exhaling deeply and moving towards the wall.

"Now?" he said.

"Yeah, um, she'll be back; I mean, she's a drama queen. Where do you think Kim gets it from?" She placed her hand on the wall. Her face and forehead were growing hot. She swayed, struggling to maintain her balance, and coughed, moving her hand to her head.

"Amanda," Liv said in a motherly tone while reaching her arm out to her, concern drawn across her face. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she responded.

"You sure?" Liv asked.

"Yeah," she said, beginning to walk away from the wall. She walked towards the others and then began to collapse. Liv grabbed her right arm and Carisi her left while Fin steadied her from the front.

"No, you're not," Carisi stated.

"We're taking you to the hospital," Fin said.

"I—" Amanda said before trailing off, allowing the others to balance her.

"Yeah, let's go, guys," Olivia said.

Fin drove like hell on the way to the hospital. It was a ten minute trip, with traffic twenty, tops, but he made it in five. He cut off at least three people.

In the back of the car, Olivia sat to Amanda's left and Carisi to her right, supporting her from either side. Everything after happened so quickly.

Someone wheeled Amanda inside. She was in one of the rooms. They were examining her. Extremely high blood pressure. The baby's heart rate was dropping. Fetal distress.

Then she was in a delivery room. A small ensemble of doctors and nurses were surrounding her. There was an IV in her arm, a paper wall in front of her stomach. An oxygen mask made it difficult to communicate. Emergency C-section.

Declan wasn't there. He had told her to call his number if she needed him, that'd he'd be on a plane in an hour. She needed him now. There was no way she could contact him.

Pressure on her abdomen. They had taken out her baby. She could barely move, let alone see him or her. She couldn't hear any crying. Amanda's hear rate monitor sped up. She tried to push herself up but was stopped by one of the nurses, who insisted she stay still as they closed the incision.

Outside, in the waiting room, Carisi paced back and forth. "What's taking so long?" He asked.

As if on cue, a too young-looking doctor with mop-like brown hair and freckles arrived. "You here for Amanda Rollins?" He said, looking at Sonny. "You the father?"

Fin, who had held the same grave look on his face for the past three hours, smirked.

"No, I'm not the father. Is she okay?"

"She's just had an emergency C-section."

"Doc, is she okay?" Carisi repeated.

"She's not conscious at the moment. C-sections, especially emergency C-sections, are particularly strenuous. We'll have to keep her here for about a week."

"But she's okay?" Carisi demanded again, his face turning a delicate shade of scarlet.

"She'll be fine, sir."

"And the baby?" Fin asked.

"She's a fighter. Five pounds, two ounces. Preemie; she'll have to be here for a bit longer than normal, just until we can ensure that she'll be okay."

"Can we see the baby?" Fin asked.

"You the father?" The doctor said. Carisi burst out laughing.

"Please, doc, he's closer to being Amanda's father." Fin couldn't decide who he wanted to glare at more.

"I'm sorry, gentlemen, but I can't permit you to see her without permission from the mother or father. You're welcome to stay here until Miss Rollins wakes up."

"All right," Fin said, sitting back down. The doctor turned on his heel and walked back.

"How's about I go get us some coffee?" Carisi said. Fin nodded his ascent. The two men sat together in silence as the sun retreated. Of course, being Manhattan, the sky never darkened.

It was two hours after Carisi had gone to get coffee the first time when Fin broke the silence. "I'm surprised they haven't kicked us out," he said.

"Be careful. You'll jinx it. Look man, if you wanna go home, sleep a little, I got this. I'll stay here."

"Thanks man, but I'm good," Fin said. The sun rose as quickly as it had set. Fin and Carisi were groggy from having spent the night up.

After an eternity and a half, a nurse with curly red hair came to them and told them that Amanda could have visitors. Fin and Carisi practically ran to the room.

After sanitizing their hands, they entered to find their blonde colleague sitting up in bed, alone. She was clearly exhausted.

"Fin! Carisi! Are you guys wearing the same clothes as yesterday? Did you sleep here?"

"We didn't exactly sleep," Carisi laughed.

"How are you, Amanda?" Fin said.

"I'm okay," she said. "The doctor took Charlotte to do some tests." She seemed anxious.

"Charlotte, huh? That's a nice name, Amanda," Fin remarked.

"Yeah, congratulations, Amanda," Carisi said. She smiled at him.

"Guys?" She said, "Can you do me a favor?"

"Yeah, whatever you need. You name it," Carisi said.

"Can you go find her and check up on her? I can't leave this room, and—and I—"

"We understand," Fin interrupted. "I'll do it. Carisi, stay here with her," he said, motioning to Amanda.

"You need anything, Amanda?" Carisi asked.

"Really, I'm fine. Does Liv know I had her?"

"We haven't called her, so I guess not," he said.

"I need to let her know," Amanda said. "Could you hand me my phone?" Carisi reached into her jacket which had been laid across the back of an armchair and retrieved it, then passed it to her. He could hear it ringing as she held it against her ear.

"Lieutenant?" She began. Olivia was at home, with Noah, who had just managed to spill apple juice all over the kitchen floor.

"Amanda! How are you? You okay?" She asked, placing her sticky toddler into a high chair so she could clean up his mess. Amanda smiled.

"It's a girl," she said, grinning ear-to-ear.

"You had the baby? Congratulations! Wait—weren't you only seven and a half, eight months? How is she?" Olivia asked without regard to the lack of an answer to her first question.

"Almost eight months. Doctor says she's small, but she'll be fine, that she can leave the hospital the same time I do."

"You have a name?" Olivia said, wringing out a juice-scented rag into the sink.

"Charlotte," she said. "Five pounds, two ounces."

"Can I come visit you? Do you need anything?"

"Yeah, come anytime you want," Amanda said. She hung up the phone. "Carisi? Can you go to my apartment and get my bag and the car seat from my room?"

"Yeah, no problem. I'll be back soon," he said, taking her keys. Ten minutes later, when Fin arrived, too young-looking doctor and blonde baby in-tow, Amanda said that she needed to nurse.

"I'll wait outside," Fin said without being asked to do so. Alone with her baby, Amanda called Declan and put the phone on speaker to free up her hand. Exceeding her hopes and expectations, he picked up.

"Amanda? You okay? You need me to come home?"

"Only if you want to meet your daughter," she smiled.

"I'll be on a plane in twenty minutes. It's about a twelve hour flight, though." She could hear shuffling on the other side of the line. He must have been packing or something like that. She didn't know whether to say anything else, so she said goodbye and hung up.

The day was hectic. Olivia arrived (without Noah, he wasn't old enough to come visit), and friends passed through. Despite the events of less than twenty-four hours before, Amanda longed for her mother.

Olivia was quick to catch on to Amanda's uncertainty about calling her mom.

"Amanda, if you want your mom here, call her. But whether or not she's here, you're not alone. You have us," she said.

"Thanks," she nodded. Finally, Carisi arrived with the car seat and bag.

"Sorry I took so long, Amanda, I noticed that the crib wasn't put together so I took care of it." Amanda was surprised and smiled greatly. She hadn't even remembered the crib.

"Thanks, Sonny," she said. "How'd you learn to put together a crib?"

"I did it for Bella before she had her baby," he said.

Amanda decided against calling her mother. By the end of the day, everyone she had wanted to see had dropped by. Except one. Sometime late that night, she was awoken by the sound of her phone buzzing.

"Declan?" she said.

"Amanda, I'm in the elevator right now. I'll be there in a minute."

"Stay on the phone," she said.

"Okay," he responded. "Is she asleep?"

"Finally," she said.

"I'm here to see Amanda Rollins," she heard him say.

"I'm sorry sir, visiting hours are from eight to eight," the receptionist said.

"I'm the father," he stated. "She's in there with my baby."

"Okay, in that case, her room is B340," the receptionist replied, taken aback. Murphy wasn't saying anything into the phone now. Amanda heard nothing on the phone. Moments later, there was a perfunctory knock at the door as the father of her child walked into the room.

Amanda had never seen Declan cry. But as he entered that hospital room and witnessed the gentle scene before him, the small, blond infant asleep on her mother's chest, tears ran down his face.

"Hello," he whispered. "I'm your daddy."


	2. Chapter 2

Funny how the hospital seemed more alive than the city that never sleeps. All of its little noises and shuffling sounds came together like one big heartbeat. In the maternity ward, awkward de facto family reunions and happy introductions made for an atmosphere unlike any other. Steady beeps and ticks of machines were soft metronomes.

But at this time of the night, these sounds were not appreciated. It was an ungodly hour, probably about three in the morning.

Charlotte was crying. No, screaming. Declan and Amanda had tried everything. She wouldn't nurse. Her diaper was clean. Declan was gently rocking her while pacing back and forth in a feeble attempt to soothe her. Nothing.

"Here, hand her to me," Amanda said. He walked to her and gently transferred the howling blond baby. She continued crying.

"Should we call someone?" Declan asked.

"No," Amanda responded almost immediately. "We can handle this." Amanda stroked her daughter's arm and kissed her forehead. Twenty minutes later, she finally calmed her. At the break of dawn, Amanda was passed out with Charlotte asleep on her chest.

Declan, who could not find comfort on the ages-old couch, snapped photos of his dreaming child and baby mama. In a few hours, the friends and family would flow back in. He knew this, and he sat and enjoyed the hospital's metronome of life.

Their first visitor of the day was Olivia. She came bearing a stuffed bear, a box of pacifiers, and two pink onesies.

"Declan, Amanda," she greeted. "How are you?" She said, turning to the new mother.

"I'm fine," she said as Charlotte stirred in her arms.

"Can I hold her?" Olivia asked. Amanda nodded and passed her baby to her friend and boss. Olivia bounced the child up and down as the baby gently jolted her arms and legs, becoming aware that it was no longer her mother who was holding her.

"So, Olivia," Declan began. She looked at him expectantly. "We were wondering if you'd like to be Charlotte's godmother." Olivia smiled and looked down at the infant in her arms, and then back to her parents.

"Of course I will," she said. Naturally, such a calm, peaceful, loving moment could not go interrupted. Just as Amanda smiled and thanked Olivia, Carisi and Fin burst through the door, assortment of colorful balloons and toys in tow.

"Good morning," Carisi said, opening a white box. "Cannoli?" He offered to the room. The group chatted and laughed for a while until it came time for Amanda to feed the baby. Murphy directed everyone out into the hallway, where they buzz about the baby died down and they began to talk shop. A short while later, Declan went back into Amanda's room to check if she had finished feeding Charlotte.

Declan motioned for the group to come back in, and Carisi requested to hold the baby. He stared at her intently before declaring, "She has your nose, Amanda."

"Uh, thanks, Carisi," she responded.

"You got a middle name?" Fin asked. Amanda smiled sheepishly, and looked from her baby to Olivia.

"Charlotte Olivia," she said. Liv froze and said nothing, then smiled and hugged Amanda.

Liv's phone rang and she announced that she had to go, Barba needed her and Carisi. The two said their goodbyes and then left.

"Fin?" Amanda said. "You know, Charlotte, she uh, she needs a godfather. We were hoping you'd do us the honor."

He nodded. "Definitely," he said.

Amanda may not have had the best family, but Charlotte would.


	3. Chapter 3

After Nick left, Amanda talked to him almost every day. They spent hours on skype, sharing details of their now separated lives. And then Amanda found out she was pregnant.

She dodged his calls. She would see the blue notification pop up in the corner of her computer screen, and she would pretend she couldn't hear its obnoxious sound. Eventually, he stopped trying.

She didn't want to explain to him that she was pregnant. With another man's child. So that was it. A few months passed. Amanda started showing; her center of mass shifting to her belly. At this point, she really wasn't going to talk to him. Before, it was just her fear and nerves that were preventing her from reaching out. Now it was her baby bump. No hiding it anymore.

Then Amanda went into labor. And Declan came back from Serbia, and did tried to help in every way he knew how. Their daughter—Charlotte—she was so beautiful. So happy and healthy. Amanda forgot about Nick.

At the hospital, the doctor and nurse were going through a last-minute checklist with Amanda, and answering any lingering questions.

They were off, Charlotte sleeping tenderly in her new car seat. A soft tuft of blonde hair peaked out from under a pink hat. Declan had never driven so carefully in his life, and Amanda had decided to ride in the backseat next to the baby. She didn't wake the during the ride home, but at one point she stretched her arms and gave a silent yawn before settling again. Not even a week old, and she had already captivated every ounce of Amanda and Declan's hearts.

They reached Amanda's apartment. Declan carried her things and Amanda held the baby. Once they had put the baby down, once they had readjusted, they rested together in silence. Declan was unsure if he should stay or leave, but seeing that Amanda, who had insisted she was fine, had fallen asleep, obviously exhausted, he decided to stay.

He carried the woman who had given him his daughter into her bedroom and laid her down to sleep. The day faded into night, and the night into weeks. Soon, Amanda was nearing the end of her maternity leave.

She and Declan had fallen into a nice cycle. He would come over in the evenings, after work, and help with whatever he could. At first, Amanda was anxious and unsure, but she learned to relax and to trust him. He was, after all, Charlotte's father.

They had been uncertain of how to greet each other; how to say goodbye. Should they kiss? Hug? With time, the awkwardness faded away and Amanda would give him a loving hug when he departed.

One evening, just as the sun was retreating in the sky, Amanda heard a knock at the door. Declan, at this point, had a key, so he usually just came right in, but Amanda had asked him to go out and get a new stroller, as Frannie the dog had broken theirs, so she figured his hands were full.

When she opened the door, baby lying against her shoulder over a yellow and white burp cloth, she was greeted by a familiar face.

Nick.

He looked as if he had been planning out this conversation in his head. "Amanda! It's great to—" he said before stopping short.

His eyes fell on the quiet but awake baby in Amanda's arms.

"Whose baby is that?"

Amanda hesitated. "Come inside, Nick," she said.

He followed her into her small apartment, overrun by baby things. She led him to the couch, where they sat down together.

"Nick, this," Amanda began, turning her daughter to face him, "Is Charlotte. My daughter." Nick's features softened with the view of the infant.

"Nick, about a month after you left, I found out I was pregnant."

"Right when you stopped returning my calls," Nick said, running his hand across his jaw. "Why didn't you tell me, Amanda? That I was going to be a father again?" He wanted to maintain eye contact with Amanda but his eyes kept fluttering to the wide-eyed baby.

Amanda cringed. "Nick, she's not yours."

"Amanda, you don't have to pretend," he said.

"No, Nick, seriously."

"If not mine, then whose?" He was frustrated. Upset that Amanda had kept this from him, conflicted that it wasn't his baby. On one hand, he already had two children by two different women; on the other, this meant that while he was seeing Amanda, she wasn't being exclusive to him as he was to her.

Amanda heard the key turn in the lock, and cursed internally. There could not be a more inconvenient time for Declan to come home.

"Hey, Amanda, sorry it took so long, the cashier was some teenage kid who couldn't get the machine to work," Declan said, hanging up his coat and not making eye contact.

As he put the large box containing the new stroller down on the floor, he glanced up and saw Nick. "Am I interrupting something?"


End file.
